Jokes

[Quickdraw]

Oil Change:

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $30 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
------------------------------------------
Men:
1. Go to Autozone and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil-dry (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to Autozone to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench or vise grips.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil-dry on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil-dry to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

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[loochie]

I love it!

 

[AZ Yellowbird]

been there done that. 😡 I could have performed steps 33-34 and paid someone to do the work and still come out ahead on several occasions. 🙄 🙄

 

[TruBlu03]

Bright Pharmacist

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

 

[Quickdraw]

North and South
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens

The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt..

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH -----------

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store .....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, air ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, they have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think they will accept them as Southerners. After all thay say, "if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits".

 

[Quickdraw]

AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.
BMW-Big Money Works.
* Brutal Money Waster.
* Bimbette Motor Weapon.
* Break My Window.
BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.
CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
*Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology.
DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.
*Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere.
*Dead or Dying Gas Eater.
*Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express.
FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.
*Fix It All the Time.
*Fix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall Day.
*Fixed Or Repaired Daily.
*First On Rust and Deterioration.
*Fix Or Repair Daily.
*Found On Road, Dead.
*Fast Only Rolling Downhill.
*Features O.J. and Ron's DNA.
*Found On Russian Dump.
GM- General Maintenance.
* Great Mistake.
* GMC- Garage Man's Companion.
* Got A Mechanic Coming?.
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again.
HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.
OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere.
*Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment.
PINTO - Put in new transmission often.
PONTIAC - Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac.
SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back.
*Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
*Sorry Arsed Auto Builders.
TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.
*Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners.
VW-Virtually Worthless.

Can anyone come up with a good one for THUNDERBIRD?

 

[Sonofpern]

im working on a thunderbird one, and in the process came to the rediculous realization that if you say thunderbird backwords, it almost sounds like "dry bread nut". dont ask me why i thought this was necessary, just bear in mind its 2AM on friday night and ive had way too much 😉 😱

 

[Sonofpern]

thunderbird acronym attempt

Terrible Handling Under Normal Driving Experience,
Results Bring Incredibly Radical Destruction


this one seems a bit far fetched 🙄 , but not altogether untrue if you think about it. best i could do so far...
"...well...back to the ol' drawing board..."

 

[Quickdraw]

Terrible Handling Under Normal Driving Experience,
Results Bring Incredibly Radical Destruction

T H U N D E R B I R D

Thin handsome undergraduate nerds driving extremely radiant brides in red dresses.

 

[Sonofpern]

another potential for the books?

To
Help
Understand
Noisy
Demonstrations
while
Experiencing
Relatively
Bold
Indignations
and
Reckless
Dispositions

this one kind of works, italicized word are just to give more meaning, but arent necessary i guess

 

[David]

It took a while but, T-H-U-N-D-E-R-B-I-R-D ...

The
Hottest
Uniquely
Noticeable
Design
Ever
Rendered
By
Inspired
Retro
Designers

 

[Quickdraw]

The
Hottest
Uniquely
Noticeable
Design
Ever
Rendered
By
Inspired
Retro
Designers

Man, you deserve a trophy for that!!!

 

[topspeed t-bird]

i agree

it must have taken you a while to do that one

 

[redryder]

Quickdraw, looking back at the posts on this thread, and reading over your massive listing of Reverse Acronyms (well, heck, what ELSE could they be called?), it struck me that you missed the best one of all for FORD: First On Race Day!

 

[Quickdraw]

Quickdraw, looking back at the posts on this thread, and reading over your massive listing of Reverse Acronyms (well, heck, what ELSE could they be called?), it struck me that you missed the best one of all for FORD: First On Race Day!

I figured if I brought that up someone whould come up with "Found on Road, Dead" 😀 😀 But thanks for he contribution.